so what happens now?

i was thinking last night this seems really unreal. in part i think it's physiological--my double vision, my ataxia--but i've never heard of ataxia before, never heard of an avm--and that's the cog'v unreality--why don't i have cancer or a broken leg--something i can get my head around?

no. not me. i gotta be different. you see, i can't seem to get my head around ataxia and me. i wake up in the morning feeling like i can walk to the bathroom--i know from practical experience that i can't. but why does this other-reality feeling perist?

i think i'm prepared for a long life--i'm curious how things'll turn out. i won't live long to really find out, but if this is any indication what death is like, then death sucks.

but maybe i'm totally unprepared, and this is part of the prep. i don't know. for me to perceive some kind of indication--any, really--would be huge blessing. mother teresa wrote that her dark night of the soul lasted nearly thirty years, from the late 40s into the 70s. is mine gonna last that long? or longer? how can i listen to god better?

but this is really real. when i feel the shunt in my head, when i see and touch the scar near my sternum, i know something happened. and when i collect my thoughts and feelings, i'm so very lucky. lucky to be alive, lucky to have my essential self, lucky to have you and the kids remain relatively unscathed while giving me all your support, lucky that this is canada in the 21st c.

so what happens now?