everything irritates

image: 10engines

i go thru cycles of elation and frustration. i'm so glad to be out of the system, back in my community, going to sleep with sue on my chest, the ability to see chloe more easily.

but i don't handle change well anymore, everything irritates.
physically, i experience constant vertigo, as well as constipation, double vision, and ataxia.

and physically things are getting worse. i hope to see a specialist, go to the ymca, and get out as the weather warms up. i don't want to be a navelgazer and a burden on sue. yet, i'm so lucky.

what do i do now? what have i learned in the past two years and how can i apply it? i need more patience, for one thing. and i have high expectations--too high? very few folks can reach the bar i set. *i* can't even reach the bar i set.

perhaps that's why i feel an impending feeling of doom. but is it me or the a-b-i? where is there hope? i read/watch a lot of david suzuki, who's immersed in the problems of being human. what is the source for his hope? his kids? his grandkids? nonwestern ways of looking at the world?

i wish my kids would email more. i wish my kids would forgive me, i wish i could forgive myself, and accept. accept the world the way it is. and have the courage to change what litle i can. and have the wisdom, yes, especially the wisdom, to know the difference between what i must accept and what i must change.

but i'm haunted by something philip berrigan once said--if the problem you're working on you expect to see resolved in your lifetime, then the problem is too small. but am *i* too small? where is my home? my community? where am i the right size? where do i fit in?